A Case Example of Being a Shit
A 35 year-old man, who did not give his name, told a story of borrowing his father’s car for a drive in the country with a woman friend. Deep into a forest, they ran out of gas. The man walked to a nearby farmhouse where someone there told him he was welcome to their fuel but they could not guarantee how good it was.
The man dumped three of four gallons into the tank, along with a straw he for some reason also used to get the gas into the car. The car started and the couple got to their destination. Taking the advice of a mechanic, they filled the tank with high octane gas and two containers of dry gas to compensate for what might have been bad fuel. He also hoped the straw would somehow dissolve.
Back home a few days later, the man’s father asked, “How did the car run?” The son said just fine. The father said, “That’s funny. It stalls out on me.” The son had nothing to say.
Guilt-ridden, the son phoned Click and Clack, the car experts whose radio show Car Talk is syndicated on National Public Radio, and asked their advice. Either Click or Clack told the son that he had messed up big time. What the son should have done the moment he returned the car was to tell his father that the car ran pretty good but it did stall out a couple of times.
This is a pre-emptive cover-up, a kind of CYA (cover your ass). From some points of view, but probably not the father’s, it is also humorous, a kind of Clever Fox enactment of being a shit. Click (or Clack) did not miss a beat when he made this suggestion, which supports the idea that he possesses automatic capacities for activating well-developed schemas related to humor and to deviousness. The son, however, lacked this capacity, but he may have learned a lesson from Click (or Clack).
Taking a more serious turn, Click and Clack gave the guilt-ridden son their wisdom about whether anything he had done had caused the stalling. Their final thought was the fuel injectors might need flushing out. Whether the son suggested this remedy to his father and came clean about the bad fuel was not part of the radio show.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
What to do when you think no one loves you and you are a bad person
This week I spoke to a group of six teenage girls who meet every week to talk about their lives. I was the guest speaker. I decided to talk about what to do when you are feeling unloved, unwanted, and that everything that is wrong with your life is your fault. After some introductions, I asked them if they ever feel as if no one loves them. I don't know any human beings who don't feel that way sometime, but we sure don't talk about it.
I told a few stories myself, such as the times my mother would tell me I was just like my Aunt Frances. She didn't like my Aunt Frances and crticized her. The kids understood that story immediately They stories about not getting along with parents and the things that parents say to them and what they say to parents. Three of the girls talked about being sexually abused. Some experienced verbal abuse, such as parents telling them they hated them and wished they had never been born and they are just like their fathers whom the mothers hate. One girl described what I consider emotional neglect.
The girls responded to parents typically by yelling back that they didn't ask to be born and that they hated their parents. They also acknowledged that their parents are under stress--at least a few did. I thought that they had learned that from professionals and that such statements directed attention away from the hurt and from constructive ways that they might deal with their hurt.
We moved on to what they do when they feel unloved and unwanted. Several of the said they use journals. One girl said she doesn't anymore because her parents read her journal. We talked at length about who they can trust when they are feeling this way.
One girl said she opened up to her p.o. and the p.o. told her parents what she said. She said the p.o. had told her what she said was confidential. Other girls talked about talking to peers who then blabbed all over the school. Most if not all of them had someone betray a confidence. I told them of a time someone betrayed mine.
So, I hoped we ended on a good note, with the girls realizing that a lot of people feel worthless, unloved, unwanted. I hope they know that talking to someone they trust is a good way of dealing with these feelings.
I wish everyone had someone to talk to. I wish everyone would talk to someone else when they feel this way. The world would change.
I told a few stories myself, such as the times my mother would tell me I was just like my Aunt Frances. She didn't like my Aunt Frances and crticized her. The kids understood that story immediately They stories about not getting along with parents and the things that parents say to them and what they say to parents. Three of the girls talked about being sexually abused. Some experienced verbal abuse, such as parents telling them they hated them and wished they had never been born and they are just like their fathers whom the mothers hate. One girl described what I consider emotional neglect.
The girls responded to parents typically by yelling back that they didn't ask to be born and that they hated their parents. They also acknowledged that their parents are under stress--at least a few did. I thought that they had learned that from professionals and that such statements directed attention away from the hurt and from constructive ways that they might deal with their hurt.
We moved on to what they do when they feel unloved and unwanted. Several of the said they use journals. One girl said she doesn't anymore because her parents read her journal. We talked at length about who they can trust when they are feeling this way.
One girl said she opened up to her p.o. and the p.o. told her parents what she said. She said the p.o. had told her what she said was confidential. Other girls talked about talking to peers who then blabbed all over the school. Most if not all of them had someone betray a confidence. I told them of a time someone betrayed mine.
So, I hoped we ended on a good note, with the girls realizing that a lot of people feel worthless, unloved, unwanted. I hope they know that talking to someone they trust is a good way of dealing with these feelings.
I wish everyone had someone to talk to. I wish everyone would talk to someone else when they feel this way. The world would change.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Real men talk to real kids about real feelings
Kids, especially boys, will benefit enormously if real men could talk to real kids about real feelings.
Fireman, policemen, athletes, older boys could talk to kids about their emotions. If men like this could tell kids that they sometimes feel sad, lonely, and unloved, this would help kids to know that they are normal. It is ok to feel this way.
If such men would say sometimes I think I'm no good, that I'm a bad person, kids would realize this is normal.
If men like this could say, this is what I do when I feel this way, then the kids would know what to do.
I would want them to say, I find someone I can trust and I tell them how I am feeling. These people listen. I feel better. I feel part of things. I know it's only in my mind that I am no good. I am a good kid who somethings think that I am bad.
Simple message.
Big impact.
It is a mark of man to admit that he sometimes feels sad, lonely, and like a bad person. Real men admit that they sometimes are weak. Talking to someone makes them feel better.
A real man tells people he trusts that he sometimes feels weak.
Fireman, policemen, athletes, older boys could talk to kids about their emotions. If men like this could tell kids that they sometimes feel sad, lonely, and unloved, this would help kids to know that they are normal. It is ok to feel this way.
If such men would say sometimes I think I'm no good, that I'm a bad person, kids would realize this is normal.
If men like this could say, this is what I do when I feel this way, then the kids would know what to do.
I would want them to say, I find someone I can trust and I tell them how I am feeling. These people listen. I feel better. I feel part of things. I know it's only in my mind that I am no good. I am a good kid who somethings think that I am bad.
Simple message.
Big impact.
It is a mark of man to admit that he sometimes feels sad, lonely, and like a bad person. Real men admit that they sometimes are weak. Talking to someone makes them feel better.
A real man tells people he trusts that he sometimes feels weak.
Teaching children that violence hurts
We have to teach children about the violence that they see all around them—especially on the internet, but in the mass media everywhere. Kids are now exposed to more violence than we older people ever have been. We have to help kids see that no matter how satisfying it might be to see so called bad guys get beat up and killed, this is not real. This is imaginary.
In real life, violence hurts. Violence can kill the person. Violence can kill the soul. We adults have to let kids know that when people beat others up, kill them, or say mean things, it hurts, it kills, and people stay dead.
When kids make fun of other kids, call them names, gang up on them, this hurts other kids. It may seem like fun and be funny at the time, but you are really hurting others. Is that what you want? Kids can handle questions like this. Kids want adults to ask them questions like this, in a relationship of caring and safety.
Kids need to grapple with the question, Do you want to hurt other people, or do you want to have fun? If you want to have fun, then have fun, but don’t have fun by hurting other people.
There are many people who would not tease others, but as bystanders, they don’t know what to do. Some enjoy seeing others being mocked and teased. It’s built in to our blame the victim culture and into our own relief that we are not being mocked. Bystanders have to figure out how to respond to people who are doing unkind things to others, such as teasing and mocking.
If you want to have fun, there are many other ways to have fun besides making fun of people or laughing when other kids are being picked on.
We have an incredible culture of blame—if someone is victimized that person deserves it. It’s almost funny, almost a relief that it is not us, but them, who are the butt of jokes.
This mean things hurt the spirit of other kids. If the kids have hurt spirits, they need to talk to other people about their hurt. If they don't the hurt just grows and grows. If hurt persons do not find a way to deal constructively with their hurt, they could do things to hurt other people or hurt themselves or both.
Hurt that is unspoken can turn to rage and then to hatred. Desire for revenge can build. Soon, thoughts other people or themselves become things that make hurt people feel better.
If we teach kids and adults how to cope with hurt, we would go a long way to becoming a compassionate society and we would prevent a lot of violent acts, too.
In real life, violence hurts. Violence can kill the person. Violence can kill the soul. We adults have to let kids know that when people beat others up, kill them, or say mean things, it hurts, it kills, and people stay dead.
When kids make fun of other kids, call them names, gang up on them, this hurts other kids. It may seem like fun and be funny at the time, but you are really hurting others. Is that what you want? Kids can handle questions like this. Kids want adults to ask them questions like this, in a relationship of caring and safety.
Kids need to grapple with the question, Do you want to hurt other people, or do you want to have fun? If you want to have fun, then have fun, but don’t have fun by hurting other people.
There are many people who would not tease others, but as bystanders, they don’t know what to do. Some enjoy seeing others being mocked and teased. It’s built in to our blame the victim culture and into our own relief that we are not being mocked. Bystanders have to figure out how to respond to people who are doing unkind things to others, such as teasing and mocking.
If you want to have fun, there are many other ways to have fun besides making fun of people or laughing when other kids are being picked on.
We have an incredible culture of blame—if someone is victimized that person deserves it. It’s almost funny, almost a relief that it is not us, but them, who are the butt of jokes.
This mean things hurt the spirit of other kids. If the kids have hurt spirits, they need to talk to other people about their hurt. If they don't the hurt just grows and grows. If hurt persons do not find a way to deal constructively with their hurt, they could do things to hurt other people or hurt themselves or both.
Hurt that is unspoken can turn to rage and then to hatred. Desire for revenge can build. Soon, thoughts other people or themselves become things that make hurt people feel better.
If we teach kids and adults how to cope with hurt, we would go a long way to becoming a compassionate society and we would prevent a lot of violent acts, too.
Adults need education on how to listen to children
Adults need education on how to listen to children who are feeling sad and alone. They need education on how to draw children out and to reassure them that what they are feeling is what many other people feel. They especially need to encourage boys to tell someone when they are feeling sad, mad, and that they are bad children who can’t do anything right.
Adults could be afraid of their own emotions of sadness, of feeling as if they are no good. So, adults have to learn to cope with their own difficult emotions and they they will be open hearted when children are sad, discouraged, lonely, and feel as if no on cares and no one loves them.
Adults could be afraid of their own emotions of sadness, of feeling as if they are no good. So, adults have to learn to cope with their own difficult emotions and they they will be open hearted when children are sad, discouraged, lonely, and feel as if no on cares and no one loves them.
Teach children how to handle difficult emotions as common sense and violence prevention
We adults neglect teaching children how to handle difficult emotions. If we do this, we will create compassionate kids who grow into compassionate adults. We will also contribute to violence prevention.
Children need to be taught about their emotions, need to be told that there will be times when they will feel all alone, hurt, and sad. They may feel as if no one likes them and that they are bad kids who did something bad. They may think they can do nothing right.
Children need to be told when they feel this way, that is the time to find someone to talk to. Keep trying until your find someone who will listen. Someone who wants to hear what is hurting you, why you are so sad. They will tell you that every person feels this way sometimes and often when you feel this way you even think that you are a bad person, who did something wrong and who deserves to feel alone and sad and discouraged and disliked. Everyone feels as if others don’t like them sometimes.
Boys more than girls are discouraged not to talk about these feelings of being sad, bad, and incompetent. They learn at early ages that only sissies feel that way. What self-respecting boy wants to be a sissy? We have to let boys know that they are human beings and everyone feels sad, alone, and no good at times. When they do, they need to find an adult to talk to. Even girls need encouragement to talk to other people about these feelings of being no good. Because girls can talk about many feelings that boys are discouraged from expressing, girls are less likely to stay alienated over years, as Cho felt alienated, alone, and finally enraged for many years.
It's just common sense. Teach children how to handle harsh emotions. The dividends are life-long.
Children need to be taught about their emotions, need to be told that there will be times when they will feel all alone, hurt, and sad. They may feel as if no one likes them and that they are bad kids who did something bad. They may think they can do nothing right.
Children need to be told when they feel this way, that is the time to find someone to talk to. Keep trying until your find someone who will listen. Someone who wants to hear what is hurting you, why you are so sad. They will tell you that every person feels this way sometimes and often when you feel this way you even think that you are a bad person, who did something wrong and who deserves to feel alone and sad and discouraged and disliked. Everyone feels as if others don’t like them sometimes.
Boys more than girls are discouraged not to talk about these feelings of being sad, bad, and incompetent. They learn at early ages that only sissies feel that way. What self-respecting boy wants to be a sissy? We have to let boys know that they are human beings and everyone feels sad, alone, and no good at times. When they do, they need to find an adult to talk to. Even girls need encouragement to talk to other people about these feelings of being no good. Because girls can talk about many feelings that boys are discouraged from expressing, girls are less likely to stay alienated over years, as Cho felt alienated, alone, and finally enraged for many years.
It's just common sense. Teach children how to handle harsh emotions. The dividends are life-long.
Connect to sad, lonely, angry kids
Violence prevention requires a community of caring persons. One person alone cannot do it. There are many ways to prevent another tragedy like the tragedy at Virginia Tech in April 2007.
The following are suggestions for what we as responsible adults can do.
We have to create a culture of caring. Plain and simple. I’ve got a lot to say about this, but blogs are supposed to be short so I will write more in another blog.
Cho Seung-Hui, the young man who murdered 32 people at Virginia Tech, was teased and mocked in elementary and secondary school. He was a child who rarely spoke, and when he did, he had a heavy Korean accent and a deep voice. Many other children thought this hilarious and they made fun of him, picked on him.
Many people would never tease a vulnerable person like Cho, but many of us also have no idea what to do to get other people to stop teasing other people. We have to resist thinking it’s funny and that the kids who get mocked deserve it.
Imagine what might have happened if everyone in Cho’s life worked together to figure out how to connect with Cho. Even in the weeks before he committed his atrocities, he still wanted to connect. He stalked girls. He took pictures of them under desks and tables. He wanted to connect but didn’t know how.
What if, when Cho was a child, when he was even more eager to connect, that there had been several people who had taken the time to get to know Cho, to get to know what he liked to do, what interested in him. What if someone said, Hey, Cho, want to go to the movies, to a baseball game, birding, or whatever it was he like to do? What if Cho had connected with someone when he was a child, how different his life would have been.
Whenever a child appears to be lonely, alienated, and the butt of jokes, the whole community must respond with care and compassion. Children, teenagers, adults, parents, teachers, police, whoever might know of a sad and lonely child must be prepared to connect with this sad, alone child. The child needs to feel connected to others.
The following are suggestions for what we as responsible adults can do.
We have to create a culture of caring. Plain and simple. I’ve got a lot to say about this, but blogs are supposed to be short so I will write more in another blog.
Cho Seung-Hui, the young man who murdered 32 people at Virginia Tech, was teased and mocked in elementary and secondary school. He was a child who rarely spoke, and when he did, he had a heavy Korean accent and a deep voice. Many other children thought this hilarious and they made fun of him, picked on him.
Many people would never tease a vulnerable person like Cho, but many of us also have no idea what to do to get other people to stop teasing other people. We have to resist thinking it’s funny and that the kids who get mocked deserve it.
Imagine what might have happened if everyone in Cho’s life worked together to figure out how to connect with Cho. Even in the weeks before he committed his atrocities, he still wanted to connect. He stalked girls. He took pictures of them under desks and tables. He wanted to connect but didn’t know how.
What if, when Cho was a child, when he was even more eager to connect, that there had been several people who had taken the time to get to know Cho, to get to know what he liked to do, what interested in him. What if someone said, Hey, Cho, want to go to the movies, to a baseball game, birding, or whatever it was he like to do? What if Cho had connected with someone when he was a child, how different his life would have been.
Whenever a child appears to be lonely, alienated, and the butt of jokes, the whole community must respond with care and compassion. Children, teenagers, adults, parents, teachers, police, whoever might know of a sad and lonely child must be prepared to connect with this sad, alone child. The child needs to feel connected to others.
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