Children's Descriptions of Child Sexual Abuse and Perpetrators

Children can provide vivid descriptions of what happens during sexual abuse. These descriptions bring to life the power differences between adults and children. Each incident is unique.

In their own words, children show how little and powerless they felt when in the presence of adults and older people who wanted to sexually abuse them. They felt compelled to obey and were fearful of consequences if they did not.

Randy, ten, described the teenage babysitter named Hank who had abused her three years before. She still sees him because he lives in the neighborhood. She said

I mean, he’s a super gross-out. He has long hair and sort of a beard, too, like an ape. He doesn’t have any class or anything. He looks like he probably drools all the time. He’s a gag. He’s a gross barf-out.

Randy said she could never forget what Hank did because “I was scared. That guy was really tall. He was scary looking.” Hank assaulted Randy twice. She said

The first day he did the thing in the bathroom with me, and the second day he pulled down my pants and kissed me on the fanny. He’s really sick.

She described how he got her into the bathroom.

He had this puppet. He had it say, ‘Go into the bathroom.’ So I did. I don’t know how he got there before me.

Hank had hidden behind the shower curtain. When he stepped out from behind it, Randy said, “I almost had a heart attack. I was sitting on the toilet.” Hank made no attempt to persuade Randy to cooperate. As he stepped from behind the shower curtain, he said, “Shhh. Don’t say anything.”

Then, as described earlier, he sexually assaulted her. Randy said “he dripped something” out of his penis. She also said she only had her shirt on. Randy protested: “I asked him what he was doing. I said, ‘Get out of here.’ He said, ‘Don’t you dare scream.’”

She had no idea what he was doing. She said, “I was scared.” Randy told her mother right away. The mother phoned the police, and the boy was charged with sexual assault and court-ordered into adolescent sex offender treatment.

Randy was not able to explain why she went into the bathroom when he told her to. When asked if she would have obeyed a six year-who told her to go into the bathroom, she said, “No,” as if the answer were self-evident.

Randy was in the gifted program at school, as was Olivia who was much clearer about why she obeyed the man who molested her. Olivia is the child who thought there were laws about adults and children that children had to obey. She said that meant “Someone older than me I had to obey them.”

She had several other reasons why she did not actively resist and tell her mother. Some of these reasons were mentioned earlier. The abuser told her that if she told anyone he would have to go to jail and that would make his wife unhappy. Her asked her, “You don’t want to make my wife unhappy, do you?”

Olivia gave other reasons that had to do with fear, self-sacrifice, and confusion.

I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. He was doing this, and I didn’t want him to do it. At that stage, I didn’t say ‘no’ to people. I always knew there was somebody who was worse off than I was. He played on that.

He also told her, “Doing this make me feel good. You like to make people feel good, don’t you?” She did, of course. Olivia had some fear about what he would do to her if she resisted, even though she believed he liked her. This is what she said.

He did like me. He was probably senile. I did what he wanted. I felt he would do something to me. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what. I guess I didn’t understand.

The sexual abuse consisted of masturbation and oral sex.

I used to rub his penis outside his pants. I did it right on his front porch. Sometimes he put his hands in my pants and rubbed me. He made me put his penis in my mouth. He did it a lot of times. I didn’t like that.

Olivia thought her mother used to see her with the man on his front porch, “but my mother never said anything to me.” She was too young and too naïve to know what their behaviors meant, except that she did not like them. For two and a half years, whenever this man called her over, she went. One day, she was playing with a girlfriend. When the man called her over, she and her girlfriend went. The man took the two girls into his living room. Olivia said

He had us sit down, and he put his hands in my pants. He said to my friend, ‘Come on over. It feels nice.’ My friend ran out the door.

She talked to her friend about the incident.

I said I was sorry. I knew what was going to happen, and it did. I was scared to say anything to her.

Her friend gave her an idea of what to do:

The next time he started it. I cried and told him I didn’t want to do it. He didn’t do it again.

Soon afterward, she and her family moved from the neighborhood. She visited the man and his wife several ties with her mother. When the man died, she told her mother about the sexual abuse. She said

I figured that he had died. He couldn’t go to jail if I told. I wouldn’t make his wife unhappy if I told my mother.

Her mother was shocked. This man had been a father figure to her for ten years. She arranged for professional help for Olivia, for herself, and for the rest of the family.

Many incidents of sexual abuse do not involve physical violence, but some do. For example, some children witness physical abuse of their mothers. When their fathers begin to touch them sexually, they are afraid to resist. Alberta was eleven when he father first sexually abused her. He told her to take her clothes off. She said

I don’t know why I just didn’t leave. The idea didn’t occur to me….My mother tried to stop him. She got between us. What could she do? He just pushed her away and beat her up.

Her father told her that what he was doing to her was “an everyday thing. People do it every day.” He tried to have intercourse with her that first time. She said

I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t t want him to do it. I wanted him to stop. I hated it.

She did not tell him to stop because “I would get hit with a belt. So I did what he said every time.” While he was abusing her, her father told her

I was jealous of my mother. He said I wanted to have sex with him the way my mother did, but I wasn’t jealous of that. I didn’t even think of it.

Adults can be helpful to children who have been sexually abused if they understand that each child’s experience is unique. Adults must, however, be ready for anything. What children say can be surprising and even shocking. The stories in this book can prepare adults to be open and receptive to whatever children have to say.

Perpetrators Have Sole Responsibility

Perpetrators have sole responsibility for child sexual abuse. Typically, they are older, stronger, and can overcome the children’s resistance through their physical strength, authority, and superior knowledge and experience. They may lie, intimidate, and manipulate children.

Some children have been sexualized by being sexually abused. They may attempt to touch the genitals of others or rub their own genitals against other people. Some teens and adults think these children want to be sexual and are happy to be sexual with the children. If children behave this way, it is the adult’s—and teen’s—job to teach the child appropriate sexual behaviors, not take advantage of children. Other children can be taught to back away from peers’ sexualized behaviors.


Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.

Elected Officials Defy Law, but Don't Pee Outside

I’m worried. The Bush administration defies the law. The California governor defies the law. If elected officials do not obey the law, what’s next? Lawlessness? I have visions of armed men taking over governorships, tanks rolling down Constitution Avenue in Washington, D.C., and the next elected president with a gun against her temple being escorted out of the Oval Office because she did something someone else did not like.

I am afraid the United States will descend into chaos, where anyone, including those elected to powerful public office, will do whatever they please regardless of the law. Citizens who break the law are subject to arrest. What about elected officials?

How is it that the president of the United States can order the abduction and torture of citizens of other countries and get away with it? How can the governor of California enforce a law whose implementation the California Supreme Court has ordered to be stayed?

How is it that a man who was arrested for urinating under a bridge 22 years ago is a registered sex offender and is arrested under order of the governor of California? Yes, that is what happened. This man is a registered sex offender because he peed outside 22 years ago and was arrested this week for not letting police know where he lives.

There’s something rotten in the United States.

Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.

Most Perpetrators of Child Sexual Abuse Were Not Sexually Abused

Research has shown that most perpetrators of child sexual abuse were not sexually abused in childhood. Since most perpetrators were not sexually abused, being sexually abused is not by itself a risk to become a perpetrator.

One of the most consistent negative factors in the lives of adult perpetrators are histories of physical and psychological abuse that, combined with other risks, are associated with being sexual abusers of children.

These other risks are emotional inexpressiveness, social isolation, sexualized family and peer cultures, a sense of entitlement to take what one wants regardless of consequences, and lack of empathy for others.

No one risk leads to the perpetration of child sexual abuse. Rather, each perpetrator has a combination of risks and few protective factors that help them to avoid being sexual abusers of children. A combination of risks and relatively few resources are linked to the perpetration of child sexual abuse.

Perpetrators of child sexual abuse want to abuse children sexually, and they take active pleasure in this perpetration. A few may give the appearance of having protective factors in place, but because they desire and actively seek sexual contact with children, they are out of touch with the meanings of their behaviors for the children, themselves, and their families and friends. At their core, they are as alienated from their deepest values and emotions as perpetrators who have more obvious signs of risks.

Mike’s life story is an example of a man who was not sexually, physically, or psychologically abused and neglected in childhood and who described a happy childhood. Despite this, he sexually abused his stepdaughter for several years, beginning when she was three. He also raped his wife many times.

The youngest child of five children and the only son of a working class, two-parent family, Mike was smart, handsome, and personable. His older sisters and his parents doted on him.

He went to church every week with his parents, and he liked going. His friends were other children from the church and from his neighborhood. His parents did not drink alcohol, and they socialized with other families. They were married for thirty-seven years. Mike father’s died at age seventy-five.


Mike spent a lot of time with his father who taught him how to repair cars, how to build houses, and how to care for the house and yard which Mike said was “immaculate.” Mike appeared to respect his father. He said

I learned a lot of stuff from him. A lot of it I didn’t use later on. He gave me a good example, but I chose not to follow it.

Mike described his father as always busy, always doing something for work or around the house and yard. “The only time he wasn’t working, he was sleeping,” he said.
Mike did not like to talk about his father who died when Mike was in his early twenties. He regretted that he had not gotten to know his father better. He said, “I still have a lot of pain about talking about him.”

Mike’s mother was a homemaker who occasionally worked part-time. She was an excellent cook and an organized homemaker. She and her husband were married for thirty-seven years. She never remarried and bought her own home in a neighborhood close to Mike and his family and to two daughters and their families.

Mike described a happy childhood, with much involvement with family, extended family such as grandparents, and people at church and in the neighborhood.

Mike said that he felt like he was an only child because his sisters all were married and out of the home by the time he was in his early teens. A sister six years older than him was like his second mother. She would take care of him when his mother was working.

Things changed for Mike when he was an early teen. He got into drugs and alcohol, no longer wanted to go to church, and began to disobey his parents. He dropped out of school and worked at low-paying jobs. In one job, he became angry at the boss and vandalized the workplace as revenge.

He said he abused his stepdaughter because he liked doing it. He began when she was about four, and the abuse ended when she was about eleven. His description of the abuse illustrates many of the points made earlier about what perpetrators say about child sexual abuse. This is what Mike said in his own words.

"I don’t think about why I did it too much. There's lot of different reasons why I did it. Number one was because I liked it. I liked the control and what I felt was intimacy or whatever. Her and I didn't have anybody else.

"It was like a challenge, too, to get her alone. That part was almost more exciting than actually having sex with her, setting everything up just to get her alone. It took a lot of my time and a lot of my energy to do that, a lot of preoccupation, a lot of planning involved in it.

"I had to think what time her mother gets home for sure. She worked part-time. So she got off different times. Knowing if I had to pick her up or if she is getting a ride some. So she may come walking in.

"Keeping June scared, more or less. What's going to happen to her if she tells. A lot of awareness of where the kids are. I always knew where they were at. I used a lot of verbal threats. Mom would leave or something.

"At the beginning I guess I used to think that it was good to do this. She was younger. She believed me then. When she started to resist, it turned into threats and manipulation with money. Or “You're grounded,” or “You're not going to get anything.” “You can't go there. You can't go here, if you don't do this for me.” That nobody would want her, stuff like that. I used a lot of shaming.

"So it went from caring, what I felt was caring, down to more stronger forcing, towards the last three or four years, actually. June was convenient. She was always there.

"There’s no stopping once, I started. There was no turning back after that. I just figured that I enjoyed it and why stop. Why tell anybody because I’d get thrown in prison then.

"The actual sex — I liked that. Then the control, being in control of her life completely was a thrill for me. I thought about it more than I thought about my wife. She occupied a lot of my time.

"I don’t think of people’s feelings. I still have a hard time with that. I’m pretty insensitive about other people. I’m really self-centered. It’s just selfish, sexual gratification and that’s all. That’s about all there is to it.

"She was a pretty girl--no question. I mean, other people say that, too. I looked at her at her other than just an object--also as a pretty girl. Then it would run in my head that she's not just a girl. She's mine and always will be. It would run in my head that she always will be mine.

"I eventually think I would have run off with her. I thought about that. I would someday.

"That's where a lot of pornography and stuff comes in with people like child molesting and stuff, that they control it controls their life so much that they finally get involved with child pornography and stuff like that, where they can manipulate the kids into doing things to make money for them. I think that was the road I was traveling.

"We’d talk about sex abuse all the time at work, stories on TV and all that stuff. We talked about that. Here I was doing the same thing. Anyway, I took a real hard line on it with him, that they weren’t fit to be alive, stuff like that. I was doing the same thing."

Mike’s mother and sisters stayed in close touch with him while he was in prison. All but one sister visited him regularly, at least twice a month, with phone calls and letters in between. One sister thought his sexual abuse of his stepdaughter had crossed a line, and she did not want to see him because of it.
He had no contact at all with June, the child he sexually abused. June’s mother divorced Mike and the judge ordered no-contact with this family.

Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.

Perpetrators are Self-Centered

Child sexual abuse is an abuse of power, where older, stronger, and more knowledgeable persons take advantage of children for their own gratification. Perpetrators are focused on themselves and are unconcerned about the welfare of children, or they talk themselves into believing that sexual abuse is good for children and that children want and enjoy it.

Some believe sexual abuse involves mutual love and the sharing of something special, even to the point where they are angry and disgusted when they hear that someone else is sexually abusing children. “String them up!” many say. What they are doing is love while what others do is abuse.

Children do not understand sexual behaviors as adults do, and they are developmentally unable to participate as full partners. For instance, one 13 year-old girl believed that her uncle was trying to love her, but she didn’t like what he did. She said, “I didn’t like him the way I like boys.”

Children also do not know that the only person responsible for the abuse is the person who perpetrated it. Unfortunately, a lot of adults do not realize this, and children are at risk to be blamed and stigmatized for being sexually abused.

Nothing about children causes sexual abuse. All children are vulnerable. Those who are sexually abused have the misfortune to be in the presence of perpetrators with no one there to protect them.

This blog is a way for me to connect with people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.

What Child Sexual Abuse Means to Children

Sexual abusers can talk children into activities that the children do not want, and they can take advantage of children’s socialization to obey older children and adults. When children resist, older people can overpower them. Children know far less than adults about sex and about the consequences of child sexual abuse.

The following are examples of how adults and older people take advantage of children.

One girl, 10 years old, was sexually abused by a teenage boy who was her babysitter. He told her, “Go to the bathroom.” She said, “I went to the bathroom.” He jumped out from behind a shower curtain, pulled her off the toilet, placed her on the floor, and sexually abused her.

Another girl, abused between the ages of five and eight and nine by a man who was a father figure to her mother and a grandfather figure to her said, “I thought there were laws about adults and children.”

A nine year-old girl, abused from the age of three to age nine said, of the abuser who was her grandfather, “He was big. I was little. I had to do what he said.”

Children do not understand sexual behaviors.

The little girl who went into the bathroom described the sexual act that the teenage boy performed in the following way: “He pulled me off the toilet seat, and he dripped something. I was on the ground of the bathroom, and he sort of did push ups on me.”

The girl whose grandfather abused her for six years until she was nine years old said, “Grandpa used to do it on the boat until stuff came out. He had sort of a grin on his face.”

Another girl, 11, said, “It's hard, what he did to me. I couldn't stand to do it to anybody. All the germs and stuff you get.”

Older children do not understand sexual behaviors, either. A 13 year-old said about a conversation she had with a girlfriend.

We were just talking one day. She was talking about her boyfriend. She thought she was big. She had sex with a 17 year-old. I said to her, ‘That's nothing. I go to bed with a 34 year-old.’ She said, ‘You do? Who is he?’ I said, ‘My father.’ ‘You don’t do that,’ she said. The 13 year-old was so ashamed that she ran away from home.

Another 13 year-old said she thought her great uncle was trying to love her. When asked when she thought of that, she said, “It felt kind of weird. I didn't like him the way I liked boys.”

Confusion Over Sexual Pleasure

Sometimes the children experience sexual pleasure, which is confusing to them. An 11 year-old girl said, “Sometimes it felt good, but that made me feel guilty. Sometimes it stung. Why is that?”

A woman survivor said

When I was real, real young, he would put his penis between my legs. And I would come. I mean I would feel pleasure. I don't know it would be come back then. Do you know what I'm saying?

Children May Value the Attention

Some children enjoy the attention but the sexual contact is confusing and unwanted.

Two little girsl had happy memories of their uncle making pancakes for breakfast and taking them to amusement parks. Their faces darkened and their little legs swung as they talked about the abuse that was also psychological, such as locking them in the basement all night.

A man survivor said of his uncle who was a teenager when he sexually abused him

I felt like he cared for me, and that was pleasurable to me. I don't think specifically the sexual act was that pleasurable for me because it was more uncomfortable. I was scared, but I know it was probably the first time I felt there was an adult who really cared for me, and that made me feel good. That was pleasurable. So it may be that I wanted to--maybe not sought out, but enjoyed the time with him, but not specifically the sexual acts, but just feeling cared for by an adult. I think I liked that.

He continued

I'd never thought my parents did [love me], and in some ways today, I still don't believe that my parents love me. He was the first person who like spent time with me and did things with me, made me feel like I was okay. That confuses things there and makes it worse, because I was scared and then I felt cared for and I was confused, and yet he made me feel better.

Adults take advantage of children’s lack of knowledge to silence them.

The adult male survivor said

I was very scared. I can remember he told me that if I’d ever told anyone that we’d both go to jail. So I mean I was very scared about that.

He realized that he didn’t know much about sexuality and consequences of having an adult perform sex acts on him.

He said

You didn't really know much about sexual relationships altogether. If you told me, I may go to jail and you may go to the mental home or crazy house or something, that I assumed is correct. I didn't doubt it.

The girl whose grandfather figure sexually abused her for years reported that he told her, “If you tell, I'll go to jail. That will make my wife unhappy. Yu don't want to make my wife unhappy, do you?” She certainly didn’t. She did not tell her mother about the abuse until the day her mother told her the man had died.

She knew if she told then, he could not go to jail and his wife would not be unhappy. The grandfather figured played on her desire not to hurt others. Another perpetrator told a child, “You'll get into trouble and so will I.”


Children are Blamed for their Own Abuse

Social customs and ideologies blame child victims for their own sexual abuse. Questions such as “Why didn’t you tell?” “What did you do to provoke the abuse?” “How could you let it go on for so long” are automatic for many people when a child discloses sexual abuse.

Children fear being stigmatized, shunned, or not believed because of these customs and ideologies.

Sometimes the children's fears are unfounded, as was the case for a 13 year-old girl who cried in joy as her family embraced her when she told them that her mother's boyfriend had sexually abused her. She said, "My family still loves me."

Sadly, the fears are founded. One mother said, "I will not deprive my son of a home," when she chose to let her son return home after he confessed to sexually abusing his younger sister for five years. His sister had to go to a foster home.

Her teenage brother got probation. The girl was deeply hurt. She could not understand why her mother would not visit her and would not give her the Christmas presents that were stored in the attic of the family home.

In some countries, children who are sexually abused are expelled from the family and have to fend for themselves. Sometimes, their families force survivors to marry the abusers.

Perpetrators Have Sole Responsibility

Such responses direct attention away from perpetrators who are the only persons responsible.

Perpetrators understand the blame the victim culture and they draw out common thoughts about child sexual abuse to defend their actions and blame others. They cover up, often successfully.

A typical excuse is “My wife won’t give me sex. I had to get it from somewhere.” “My wife knew all along. She didn’t do anything to stop me.” “The child came on to me. What was I supposed to do?”

Unfortunately, child survivors and non-offending spouses often take the blame and many other people blame them as well.

Good mental health involves taking responsibility for one’s own actions. In light of this principle, it is clear that perpetrators have sole responsibility for child sexual abuse.

Evidence that perpetrators alone are responsible for their own actions comes from their own words as they talk about the sexual abuse they perpetrated.

Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who has done research on violence for almost 30 years. This blog is a way for me to connect with people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.