Civility in politics has taken a nosedive, and so has civility in everday life. This past week, I took a trip to Little Rock, Arkansas, from Minneapolis, for a conference. It started off all right-just two incidents that cost me money. The first happened on the ride to the airport. A ramp was shut for road upgrades that led to a detour and a $10 boost in cab fare.
The second was at the airport when a polite bag handler informed me she had to charge $15 to get my bag on the plane. I immediately wondered why she didn't weigh me and my bag and if I racked up less than the average weight of individual passengers and their bags then I shouldn't have to pay. But that wouldn't pass muster because such policies would discriminate against overweight people, even though such a strategy is consistent with charging for bags because of their weight.
At the hotel, I found someone also attending the conference to share a room with, but to cancel the reservation, I had to pay for a full night's stay even though I could not use the room. I did the calculation. I would not save a cent if I cancelled the room and moved in with someone else. No matter what, they would get their pound of flesh, even though I would never stay with them again and will tell everyone about them. The Peabody Hotel in Little Rock. Their duck parade is cute. Everyday they herd ducks to and from a small pool in the lobby.
Back at the Little Rock airport on my way home, I checked in to get my boarding pass. The kiosk demanded $15 for my bag before it would give me my boarding pass. I slid in my credit card that has worked all over Europe and the US. The machine would not take my card. It gave me the message, "See the attendant at the counter."
An attendant had been at the counter for the five minutes or so I tried to persuade the machine to give me my boarding pass. During that time, she had had no customers. I walked the few feet to the counter and said the machine told me to talk to the attendant. She said the attendant would be right with me. Wasn't she the attendant? I waited a few minutes. No other attendant showed up, and the attendant who was standing there ignored me.
I thought I should try another credit card. I walked the few feet back to the machine and slid it in. It worked. I got charged $15 and the machine printed my boarding pass and receipt. I pushed my bags back to the counter. I handed my driver's license and boarding pass to the attendant who had been standing there the whole time. She said, "That will be $25." I said, "I just paid $15. You want $25 more?" She said, "It costs $25 per bag." I said, "The machine charged me $15. I paid $15 in Minneapolis." She said, "Show me the receipt." I showed her the receipt.
She tapped on some keys on her computer. She said, "Ok." She put a luggage tag on my luggage and left it where I had placed it. I stood there waiting for her to put my luggage on a conveyer belt. She tapped a few keys. She must have noticed me standing there.
"You can bring your bag to be x-rayed," she said, as she motioned with her head to a machine about 20 feet away. I pushed my bag to the designated machine. The handlers said nothing when I said, "Hello." I sighed.
I got through security. As the wait person at the fast food joint, handed me my fries and blackened chicken sandwich, I asked for salt. The wait person pointed to a box containing hundreds of little packets. I looked through them. Every packet was stamped "pepper." I said to the wait person, "I looked. There isn't any salt in there." A man next to me said, "I saw one packet." The wait packet reached in and grabbed a packet and slammed it on the counter. Indeed it said salt. Then I saw a second salt packet among at least 200 peppers.
Her impatience annoyed me. I said in a loud and sarcastic voice, "Thank you very much for the excellent service." She smiled. She was genuinely pleased. She said, "You're welcome. Come again." She meant it.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Saturday, November 08, 2008
After Barack Obama, Who is Next?
It's over. Barack Obama is president of the United States. He has shown great promise during the campaign, and I grew to admire his intelligence, his focus, and his people skills. In so many ways, he stood in stark contrast to how John McCain presented himself. McCain became a kind of pit bull with no teeth, nipping and howling but with the bite of a gnat. Obama responded politely to these nips and returned to the point. no bite. McCain's supporters slimed Obama, and Obama responded with his side of the story and continued to stay focused.
My hope now is that the Obama administration can bring stability and civility to the United States and that Obama can fulfill his dream of being president of us all. Short-sighted politicians have exploited fears and differences that increased the divisions among us. In some ways, this could turn out okay if we honestly and calmly examine our fears of others and realize that we have much more in common than many politicians ever acknowledged and that many of our differences are to be celebrated. Our differences make us unique. When we have differences based on distortions and misrepresentations of other people, then this we must examine and change.
Obama has taken on a job that requires national and international good will and cooperation. He cannot do it alone, and he must reach out. People who are positioned to make things better must respond. This is truly a two way street and a joint venture.
As relieved as I am about Obama's election, I have lived long enough to know that even if his administration does catalyze reform and things change for the better, I question how long that will last. Many times in the history of this country and even in my lifetime, the quality of life in the US has risen and fallen. Even if things get better in the US during an Obama administration, how long will that last?
I spoke to Pam Monroe earlier today. Pam is a brilliant woman and a professor at Louisiana State University. She said that Bobby Jindal, the governor of Louisiana, has what it takes to be president. Jindal is a Republican, and now in my more mature years I see that the two-party system not only is essential but American votes want periodic change of party. If it is time for a Republican to be president in eight years, I hope it is Jindal or someone just like him. From what Pam said and from what I know of him, he would not only continue constructive policies, but he too would aspire to be president of all of us. He reminds me of Obama in his intelligence, skills, and vision.
It is not too early to think of who will be the next president. We must choose wisely. Our nation is fragile. Eight years of stability is not enough for a turn-around. We must have constructive policies for generations to come.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
My hope now is that the Obama administration can bring stability and civility to the United States and that Obama can fulfill his dream of being president of us all. Short-sighted politicians have exploited fears and differences that increased the divisions among us. In some ways, this could turn out okay if we honestly and calmly examine our fears of others and realize that we have much more in common than many politicians ever acknowledged and that many of our differences are to be celebrated. Our differences make us unique. When we have differences based on distortions and misrepresentations of other people, then this we must examine and change.
Obama has taken on a job that requires national and international good will and cooperation. He cannot do it alone, and he must reach out. People who are positioned to make things better must respond. This is truly a two way street and a joint venture.
As relieved as I am about Obama's election, I have lived long enough to know that even if his administration does catalyze reform and things change for the better, I question how long that will last. Many times in the history of this country and even in my lifetime, the quality of life in the US has risen and fallen. Even if things get better in the US during an Obama administration, how long will that last?
I spoke to Pam Monroe earlier today. Pam is a brilliant woman and a professor at Louisiana State University. She said that Bobby Jindal, the governor of Louisiana, has what it takes to be president. Jindal is a Republican, and now in my more mature years I see that the two-party system not only is essential but American votes want periodic change of party. If it is time for a Republican to be president in eight years, I hope it is Jindal or someone just like him. From what Pam said and from what I know of him, he would not only continue constructive policies, but he too would aspire to be president of all of us. He reminds me of Obama in his intelligence, skills, and vision.
It is not too early to think of who will be the next president. We must choose wisely. Our nation is fragile. Eight years of stability is not enough for a turn-around. We must have constructive policies for generations to come.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
McCain and Palin Use Words that Evoke Violence
The presidential campaign shows the power of words not only to define other people but to incit some people to violent words and possiblity to violent deeds. "Palling around with terrorists" is a favorite phrase of Sarah Palin. "Who is Barack Obama?" has become a catch phrase in the McCain presidential campaign.
These words trigger racist thoughts and emotions. Some people have shouted "kill him" at McCain and Palin rallies in response to these words.
McCain and Palin may not intend these extreme responses, but they are using
words that evoke them.
These candidates are indeed playing with fire as Representative John Lewis (D-GA) wrote in a letter to John McCain. These words are evoking a lynch mob mentality that puts many people in danger, most of all Barack Obama.
The events in the presidential campaign show how important discourse analysis is to public life. Discourse analysis involves an examination of the power of words to evoke images, thoughts, and feelings. Call someone a pervert, and this immediately reduces them to something non-human.
Call someone a terrorist and this evokes fear and for some people a desire to throw the first punch or set off the first bomb.
Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon assured southern voters that they would respect "states rights." This is code for stating that they would not enforce civil rights legislation if elected. These two politicians won the votes of Southerners who feared civil rights for blacks.
"Uppity" is term for blacks who are rising about their "station," meaning they are well-dressed, arrticulate, and educated. They may have nicer houses and cars than many whites. Calling them "uppity" is a way of evoking hostilty to African-Americans of accomplishment. It is no coincidence that many who politic for McCain and Palin are calling Barach Obama uppity, in addition to linking him to terrorists.
Words can be weapons of destruction when they are linked to shared meanings that lead to resentment, race-based mistrust, and violence.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
These words trigger racist thoughts and emotions. Some people have shouted "kill him" at McCain and Palin rallies in response to these words.
McCain and Palin may not intend these extreme responses, but they are using
words that evoke them.
These candidates are indeed playing with fire as Representative John Lewis (D-GA) wrote in a letter to John McCain. These words are evoking a lynch mob mentality that puts many people in danger, most of all Barack Obama.
The events in the presidential campaign show how important discourse analysis is to public life. Discourse analysis involves an examination of the power of words to evoke images, thoughts, and feelings. Call someone a pervert, and this immediately reduces them to something non-human.
Call someone a terrorist and this evokes fear and for some people a desire to throw the first punch or set off the first bomb.
Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon assured southern voters that they would respect "states rights." This is code for stating that they would not enforce civil rights legislation if elected. These two politicians won the votes of Southerners who feared civil rights for blacks.
"Uppity" is term for blacks who are rising about their "station," meaning they are well-dressed, arrticulate, and educated. They may have nicer houses and cars than many whites. Calling them "uppity" is a way of evoking hostilty to African-Americans of accomplishment. It is no coincidence that many who politic for McCain and Palin are calling Barach Obama uppity, in addition to linking him to terrorists.
Words can be weapons of destruction when they are linked to shared meanings that lead to resentment, race-based mistrust, and violence.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
New Book on Sarah Palin: A Voter's Guide
Sue Katz, author of Thanks but No Thanks: The Voter's Guide to Sarah Palin wants people to know about her book. This is what she said.
I wrote my new book Thanks But No Thanks: The Voter's Guide to Sarah Palin in 28 very intense days and all-nighters. It all began when a small indie publisher Harvard Perspectives Press saw my blogs on Sarah Palin from the day of her selection. Within days I had a contract and was buried in this project.
Now that Palin has passed the “debate threshold,” it’s essential to cut through the mythologies in order to understand what she believes and what she has actually done in her short political life. We don’t have the “luxury” anymore of focusing on her wacky syntax and flirtatious winks. I believe that no matter what happens in November, Sarah Palin is going to be the leader of the Republican Party for some time to come.
There’s been quite a buzz since the paperback became available. It even hit Number One out of 183,000 among the Kindle books (Amazon’s electronic reader), where it was first released. Susie Bright said this about the me and the book: 'Sue Katz is just the she-bear to wrestle Sarah Palin's image back down to earth. Forget the myth about the GOP's latest superstar--Katz will show the real motivations behind Palin and where she comes from.'
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me. Take a look at my books at stores.lulu.com/jgilgun, Amazon Kindle, and other on-line booksellers. Two are free downloads on lulu.
I wrote my new book Thanks But No Thanks: The Voter's Guide to Sarah Palin in 28 very intense days and all-nighters. It all began when a small indie publisher Harvard Perspectives Press saw my blogs on Sarah Palin from the day of her selection. Within days I had a contract and was buried in this project.
Now that Palin has passed the “debate threshold,” it’s essential to cut through the mythologies in order to understand what she believes and what she has actually done in her short political life. We don’t have the “luxury” anymore of focusing on her wacky syntax and flirtatious winks. I believe that no matter what happens in November, Sarah Palin is going to be the leader of the Republican Party for some time to come.
There’s been quite a buzz since the paperback became available. It even hit Number One out of 183,000 among the Kindle books (Amazon’s electronic reader), where it was first released. Susie Bright said this about the me and the book: 'Sue Katz is just the she-bear to wrestle Sarah Palin's image back down to earth. Forget the myth about the GOP's latest superstar--Katz will show the real motivations behind Palin and where she comes from.'
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me. Take a look at my books at stores.lulu.com/jgilgun, Amazon Kindle, and other on-line booksellers. Two are free downloads on lulu.
Friday, September 12, 2008
McCain Exploits Parents' Fears About Sex Education in the Schools
John McCain is exploiting parents' fears about sex education in the schools. His ads claim that Barack Obama wants kindergarteners to learn about sex before they learn to read.
Obama wants no such thing. What he does want is to give kindergareten students information about good, bad, and secret sexual touches.
Who can possibily be against protecting children from sexual abuse?
McCain ignores the fact that children are learning about sexuality continually, from birth on. It is up to parents and those who are with children several hours a day to help children understand sexuality.
Sex Education in Schools is Controversial
McCain knows parents have fears about sex education in the schools. He is exploiting those fears.
Some parents are for school sex education. Some are against. Still others want to examine the curriculum to make sure it provides information about values, feelings, appropriate and inappropriate behaviors, anatomy, and physiology.
Begin in Preschool
When the program is solid, sex education can begin in preschool, with basic information that matches children's curiosity and developmental level, such as where children come from and the bodily differences and similarities between boys and sex. Sexual terminology could also be part of the teaching.
Parents as Partners
It would be ideal for parents to be part of the planning. Parents might even do the formal teaching.
As children become older, the information that schools provide, with parents' input, would continue to match their developmental level. For example, nine year-olds are often fascinated by sexual terms. A brief session on sexual terms and what they mean would be helpful at that age. Children may use sexual terms to bully and tease others.
Bullying
A brief session on these "bullying" terms that include what the terms mean and how the terms hurt other people would provide children with guidelines. This also will help make the classroom and the school grounds more safe for children. "Faggot," "whore," and "lessie" are terms that some children use to hurt and exclude others.
It's Not Okay to Hurt Others
By the eighth grade children need much guidance about sexual feelings. They also are ready to learn about which sexually behaviors are appropriate and which are not. Many children this age do not realize that grabbing butt, or genitals is not funny and that it hurts to be hurts to be the target of such behaviors. Many children will stop these behaviors when they realize this is inappropriate. If children continue, then the classroom teacher can refer them to the school social worker.
Honesty
Children this age and older benefit greatly when they have formal instruction about sexual respect and honesty. For example, it is not okay to tell someone you love them just so you can be sexual with them. It is not okay to touch someone sexually or try to have sex with them just because they have a reputation for being "easy."
Myths About Sex
By high school, children have learned a lot of myths about sex. Boys for example may believe that they have to prove their masculinity by being sexual with as many girls as possible. Some resort to tricks and manipulation just so they can tell their male friends about their sexual conquests.
Girls may be desperate to have a boyfriend and may become sexual before they are ready and before they know if the boy is just using them. Girls and boys need to know the difference between sex as commitment and love and sex as a means of getting pleasure or showing you are a grown-up.
Summary
Sexuality is an important part of life. Children require both formal and informal education about sexuality. The best situation is when schools partner with parents to develop humane and comprehensive programs. These programs would include formal instruction every school year for about four hours a year and much informal guidance about appropriate and inappropriate sexual behaviors.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun, Ph.D., who is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. This blog is a way for me to connect with people who like to talk about ideas and connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
Obama wants no such thing. What he does want is to give kindergareten students information about good, bad, and secret sexual touches.
Who can possibily be against protecting children from sexual abuse?
McCain ignores the fact that children are learning about sexuality continually, from birth on. It is up to parents and those who are with children several hours a day to help children understand sexuality.
Sex Education in Schools is Controversial
McCain knows parents have fears about sex education in the schools. He is exploiting those fears.
Some parents are for school sex education. Some are against. Still others want to examine the curriculum to make sure it provides information about values, feelings, appropriate and inappropriate behaviors, anatomy, and physiology.
Begin in Preschool
When the program is solid, sex education can begin in preschool, with basic information that matches children's curiosity and developmental level, such as where children come from and the bodily differences and similarities between boys and sex. Sexual terminology could also be part of the teaching.
Parents as Partners
It would be ideal for parents to be part of the planning. Parents might even do the formal teaching.
As children become older, the information that schools provide, with parents' input, would continue to match their developmental level. For example, nine year-olds are often fascinated by sexual terms. A brief session on sexual terms and what they mean would be helpful at that age. Children may use sexual terms to bully and tease others.
Bullying
A brief session on these "bullying" terms that include what the terms mean and how the terms hurt other people would provide children with guidelines. This also will help make the classroom and the school grounds more safe for children. "Faggot," "whore," and "lessie" are terms that some children use to hurt and exclude others.
It's Not Okay to Hurt Others
By the eighth grade children need much guidance about sexual feelings. They also are ready to learn about which sexually behaviors are appropriate and which are not. Many children this age do not realize that grabbing butt, or genitals is not funny and that it hurts to be hurts to be the target of such behaviors. Many children will stop these behaviors when they realize this is inappropriate. If children continue, then the classroom teacher can refer them to the school social worker.
Honesty
Children this age and older benefit greatly when they have formal instruction about sexual respect and honesty. For example, it is not okay to tell someone you love them just so you can be sexual with them. It is not okay to touch someone sexually or try to have sex with them just because they have a reputation for being "easy."
Myths About Sex
By high school, children have learned a lot of myths about sex. Boys for example may believe that they have to prove their masculinity by being sexual with as many girls as possible. Some resort to tricks and manipulation just so they can tell their male friends about their sexual conquests.
Girls may be desperate to have a boyfriend and may become sexual before they are ready and before they know if the boy is just using them. Girls and boys need to know the difference between sex as commitment and love and sex as a means of getting pleasure or showing you are a grown-up.
Summary
Sexuality is an important part of life. Children require both formal and informal education about sexuality. The best situation is when schools partner with parents to develop humane and comprehensive programs. These programs would include formal instruction every school year for about four hours a year and much informal guidance about appropriate and inappropriate sexual behaviors.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun, Ph.D., who is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. This blog is a way for me to connect with people who like to talk about ideas and connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
Obama is Right and McCain is Wrong About Sex Education
John McCain has sunk to a new low when he degrades the importance of children's sex education. Barack Obama is right in advocating for healthy sex education.
Parents who educate their children sexually give them a life-long gift. When parents avoid talking about sex with their children or dismiss their questions and concerns, children are left on their own.
Information about sex that is available to them through peers, observation, movies, and the internet is distorted and harmful. It is up to parents to give children correct information.
Fostering children's healthy sexual development takes time and effort. Parents may have to deal with their own discomfort. The price for avoiding sexual topics is high. Children are left on their own to interpret the confusing and often destructive messages that they get from peers, the mass media, and the internet.
Parents are and should be concerned about what their children are learning. Often their sources of information about sexuality are distorted and even frightening. Children may get the wrong idea about sex. If they don't learn otherwise, they may act in ways that hurts them and other people. It is up to parents to give children correct information.
Talking to children about sexuality can open up many channels of communication. A young boy said to his mother, “If I can talk to you about sex, I can talk to you about anything.”
Start Early
Parents would do best to start sex education early. Children are being educated informally through their everyday experiences. Sex education starts in infancy. For example, when parents teach very young children the names of various body parts, they can teach them correct terms, such as vagina, vulva, penis, anus, buttocks, and breasts. They can also use “pet” and family names for sexual body parts, but knowledge of the more formal terms is important, too.
Pet names are part of family lore and normalize sexual body parts. However, when children go to the doctors or if they have problems with others about sexuality, it is important that they can use terms that others understand.
Healthy sex education helps prevent child sexual abuse. A child who has had a good sex education is more likely to communicate clearly and without shame that someone has violated them sexually.
Sexual Touching
Infants and toddlers often touch their sexual body parts and may touch the sexual body parts of other children. Parents have important roles to play in helping children know the difference between public and private sexual behaviors and appropriate and inappropriate behaviors.
Parents can instruct children that it is okay to masturbate, but that is a private activity not done in front of others. The places to masturbate or touch their sexual body parts are the privacy of their bedrooms or in the shower.
Sexual Respect
Parents have an important task of teaching children to respect the personal space and the sexual body parts of others. A no touching rule can be taught. “Please do not touch others on their sexual body parts.” “Keep your hands to yourself.” “If someone touches your sexual body parts, please tell me.” These the kinds of guidelines that parents can provide children so that children are safe and are safe to be around.
Simple Explanations Satisfy Curiosity
Preschoolers have questions about where babies come from. Simple explanations satisfy their curiosity. Questions about the origins of babies are intriguing to children, and they are delighted to find out the answers.
Sophisticated Information
As children get older, the kinds of information they require gets more sophisticated, such as what kinds of behaviors are appropriate at what ages. For example, when is kissing okay? Necking? Petting? How can you tell if he or she loves you? What to do if someone pressures you to have sex?
What if you like that person or think you are in love? These are difficult topics to broach with children and teens. Parents have a responsibility to help children develop into responsible and responsive human beings who celebrate their sexuality but who also do not exploit others or do not know how to stop others from exploiting them.
No Excuses
Children understand and appreciate parents' efforts. Embarrassment is no excuse for parents not to educate children sexually. Some parents avoid and dismiss children's concerns and questions. That hurts children's developing sexuality could lead to cut-offs in parent-child communication.
There are a lot of helpful books, dvds, and websites that can help parents talk to their children about sexuality. It's important for parents to push through their discomfort for the sake of their children.
Summary
Fostering children's healthy sexual development is a life-long gift that parents can give their children. It takes time and effort. Parents have to deal with their own embarrassment. The price for avoiding sexual topics is high. Children are left on their own to interpret the confusing and often destructive messages that they get from peers, the mass media, and the internet. Remember the boy who said, “If I can talk to you about sex, I can talk to you about anything.”
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun, Ph.D., who is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities. This blog is a way for me to connect with people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
Parents who educate their children sexually give them a life-long gift. When parents avoid talking about sex with their children or dismiss their questions and concerns, children are left on their own.
Information about sex that is available to them through peers, observation, movies, and the internet is distorted and harmful. It is up to parents to give children correct information.
Fostering children's healthy sexual development takes time and effort. Parents may have to deal with their own discomfort. The price for avoiding sexual topics is high. Children are left on their own to interpret the confusing and often destructive messages that they get from peers, the mass media, and the internet.
Parents are and should be concerned about what their children are learning. Often their sources of information about sexuality are distorted and even frightening. Children may get the wrong idea about sex. If they don't learn otherwise, they may act in ways that hurts them and other people. It is up to parents to give children correct information.
Talking to children about sexuality can open up many channels of communication. A young boy said to his mother, “If I can talk to you about sex, I can talk to you about anything.”
Start Early
Parents would do best to start sex education early. Children are being educated informally through their everyday experiences. Sex education starts in infancy. For example, when parents teach very young children the names of various body parts, they can teach them correct terms, such as vagina, vulva, penis, anus, buttocks, and breasts. They can also use “pet” and family names for sexual body parts, but knowledge of the more formal terms is important, too.
Pet names are part of family lore and normalize sexual body parts. However, when children go to the doctors or if they have problems with others about sexuality, it is important that they can use terms that others understand.
Healthy sex education helps prevent child sexual abuse. A child who has had a good sex education is more likely to communicate clearly and without shame that someone has violated them sexually.
Sexual Touching
Infants and toddlers often touch their sexual body parts and may touch the sexual body parts of other children. Parents have important roles to play in helping children know the difference between public and private sexual behaviors and appropriate and inappropriate behaviors.
Parents can instruct children that it is okay to masturbate, but that is a private activity not done in front of others. The places to masturbate or touch their sexual body parts are the privacy of their bedrooms or in the shower.
Sexual Respect
Parents have an important task of teaching children to respect the personal space and the sexual body parts of others. A no touching rule can be taught. “Please do not touch others on their sexual body parts.” “Keep your hands to yourself.” “If someone touches your sexual body parts, please tell me.” These the kinds of guidelines that parents can provide children so that children are safe and are safe to be around.
Simple Explanations Satisfy Curiosity
Preschoolers have questions about where babies come from. Simple explanations satisfy their curiosity. Questions about the origins of babies are intriguing to children, and they are delighted to find out the answers.
Sophisticated Information
As children get older, the kinds of information they require gets more sophisticated, such as what kinds of behaviors are appropriate at what ages. For example, when is kissing okay? Necking? Petting? How can you tell if he or she loves you? What to do if someone pressures you to have sex?
What if you like that person or think you are in love? These are difficult topics to broach with children and teens. Parents have a responsibility to help children develop into responsible and responsive human beings who celebrate their sexuality but who also do not exploit others or do not know how to stop others from exploiting them.
No Excuses
Children understand and appreciate parents' efforts. Embarrassment is no excuse for parents not to educate children sexually. Some parents avoid and dismiss children's concerns and questions. That hurts children's developing sexuality could lead to cut-offs in parent-child communication.
There are a lot of helpful books, dvds, and websites that can help parents talk to their children about sexuality. It's important for parents to push through their discomfort for the sake of their children.
Summary
Fostering children's healthy sexual development is a life-long gift that parents can give their children. It takes time and effort. Parents have to deal with their own embarrassment. The price for avoiding sexual topics is high. Children are left on their own to interpret the confusing and often destructive messages that they get from peers, the mass media, and the internet. Remember the boy who said, “If I can talk to you about sex, I can talk to you about anything.”
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun, Ph.D., who is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities. This blog is a way for me to connect with people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Children's Descriptions of Child Sexual Abuse and Perpetrators
Children can provide vivid descriptions of what happens during sexual abuse. These descriptions bring to life the power differences between adults and children. Each incident is unique.
In their own words, children show how little and powerless they felt when in the presence of adults and older people who wanted to sexually abuse them. They felt compelled to obey and were fearful of consequences if they did not.
Randy, ten, described the teenage babysitter named Hank who had abused her three years before. She still sees him because he lives in the neighborhood. She said
Randy said she could never forget what Hank did because “I was scared. That guy was really tall. He was scary looking.” Hank assaulted Randy twice. She said
She described how he got her into the bathroom.
Hank had hidden behind the shower curtain. When he stepped out from behind it, Randy said, “I almost had a heart attack. I was sitting on the toilet.” Hank made no attempt to persuade Randy to cooperate. As he stepped from behind the shower curtain, he said, “Shhh. Don’t say anything.”
Then, as described earlier, he sexually assaulted her. Randy said “he dripped something” out of his penis. She also said she only had her shirt on. Randy protested: “I asked him what he was doing. I said, ‘Get out of here.’ He said, ‘Don’t you dare scream.’”
She had no idea what he was doing. She said, “I was scared.” Randy told her mother right away. The mother phoned the police, and the boy was charged with sexual assault and court-ordered into adolescent sex offender treatment.
Randy was not able to explain why she went into the bathroom when he told her to. When asked if she would have obeyed a six year-who told her to go into the bathroom, she said, “No,” as if the answer were self-evident.
Randy was in the gifted program at school, as was Olivia who was much clearer about why she obeyed the man who molested her. Olivia is the child who thought there were laws about adults and children that children had to obey. She said that meant “Someone older than me I had to obey them.”
She had several other reasons why she did not actively resist and tell her mother. Some of these reasons were mentioned earlier. The abuser told her that if she told anyone he would have to go to jail and that would make his wife unhappy. Her asked her, “You don’t want to make my wife unhappy, do you?”
Olivia gave other reasons that had to do with fear, self-sacrifice, and confusion.
He also told her, “Doing this make me feel good. You like to make people feel good, don’t you?” She did, of course. Olivia had some fear about what he would do to her if she resisted, even though she believed he liked her. This is what she said.
The sexual abuse consisted of masturbation and oral sex.
Olivia thought her mother used to see her with the man on his front porch, “but my mother never said anything to me.” She was too young and too naïve to know what their behaviors meant, except that she did not like them. For two and a half years, whenever this man called her over, she went. One day, she was playing with a girlfriend. When the man called her over, she and her girlfriend went. The man took the two girls into his living room. Olivia said
He had us sit down, and he put his hands in my pants. He said to my friend, ‘Come on over. It feels nice.’ My friend ran out the door.
She talked to her friend about the incident.
Her friend gave her an idea of what to do:
Soon afterward, she and her family moved from the neighborhood. She visited the man and his wife several ties with her mother. When the man died, she told her mother about the sexual abuse. She said
Her mother was shocked. This man had been a father figure to her for ten years. She arranged for professional help for Olivia, for herself, and for the rest of the family.
Many incidents of sexual abuse do not involve physical violence, but some do. For example, some children witness physical abuse of their mothers. When their fathers begin to touch them sexually, they are afraid to resist. Alberta was eleven when he father first sexually abused her. He told her to take her clothes off. She said
Her father told her that what he was doing to her was “an everyday thing. People do it every day.” He tried to have intercourse with her that first time. She said
She did not tell him to stop because “I would get hit with a belt. So I did what he said every time.” While he was abusing her, her father told her
Adults can be helpful to children who have been sexually abused if they understand that each child’s experience is unique. Adults must, however, be ready for anything. What children say can be surprising and even shocking. The stories in this book can prepare adults to be open and receptive to whatever children have to say.
Perpetrators Have Sole Responsibility
Perpetrators have sole responsibility for child sexual abuse. Typically, they are older, stronger, and can overcome the children’s resistance through their physical strength, authority, and superior knowledge and experience. They may lie, intimidate, and manipulate children.
Some children have been sexualized by being sexually abused. They may attempt to touch the genitals of others or rub their own genitals against other people. Some teens and adults think these children want to be sexual and are happy to be sexual with the children. If children behave this way, it is the adult’s—and teen’s—job to teach the child appropriate sexual behaviors, not take advantage of children. Other children can be taught to back away from peers’ sexualized behaviors.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
In their own words, children show how little and powerless they felt when in the presence of adults and older people who wanted to sexually abuse them. They felt compelled to obey and were fearful of consequences if they did not.
Randy, ten, described the teenage babysitter named Hank who had abused her three years before. She still sees him because he lives in the neighborhood. She said
I mean, he’s a super gross-out. He has long hair and sort of a beard, too, like an ape. He doesn’t have any class or anything. He looks like he probably drools all the time. He’s a gag. He’s a gross barf-out.
Randy said she could never forget what Hank did because “I was scared. That guy was really tall. He was scary looking.” Hank assaulted Randy twice. She said
The first day he did the thing in the bathroom with me, and the second day he pulled down my pants and kissed me on the fanny. He’s really sick.
She described how he got her into the bathroom.
He had this puppet. He had it say, ‘Go into the bathroom.’ So I did. I don’t know how he got there before me.
Hank had hidden behind the shower curtain. When he stepped out from behind it, Randy said, “I almost had a heart attack. I was sitting on the toilet.” Hank made no attempt to persuade Randy to cooperate. As he stepped from behind the shower curtain, he said, “Shhh. Don’t say anything.”
Then, as described earlier, he sexually assaulted her. Randy said “he dripped something” out of his penis. She also said she only had her shirt on. Randy protested: “I asked him what he was doing. I said, ‘Get out of here.’ He said, ‘Don’t you dare scream.’”
She had no idea what he was doing. She said, “I was scared.” Randy told her mother right away. The mother phoned the police, and the boy was charged with sexual assault and court-ordered into adolescent sex offender treatment.
Randy was not able to explain why she went into the bathroom when he told her to. When asked if she would have obeyed a six year-who told her to go into the bathroom, she said, “No,” as if the answer were self-evident.
Randy was in the gifted program at school, as was Olivia who was much clearer about why she obeyed the man who molested her. Olivia is the child who thought there were laws about adults and children that children had to obey. She said that meant “Someone older than me I had to obey them.”
She had several other reasons why she did not actively resist and tell her mother. Some of these reasons were mentioned earlier. The abuser told her that if she told anyone he would have to go to jail and that would make his wife unhappy. Her asked her, “You don’t want to make my wife unhappy, do you?”
Olivia gave other reasons that had to do with fear, self-sacrifice, and confusion.
I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. He was doing this, and I didn’t want him to do it. At that stage, I didn’t say ‘no’ to people. I always knew there was somebody who was worse off than I was. He played on that.
He also told her, “Doing this make me feel good. You like to make people feel good, don’t you?” She did, of course. Olivia had some fear about what he would do to her if she resisted, even though she believed he liked her. This is what she said.
He did like me. He was probably senile. I did what he wanted. I felt he would do something to me. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what. I guess I didn’t understand.
The sexual abuse consisted of masturbation and oral sex.
I used to rub his penis outside his pants. I did it right on his front porch. Sometimes he put his hands in my pants and rubbed me. He made me put his penis in my mouth. He did it a lot of times. I didn’t like that.
Olivia thought her mother used to see her with the man on his front porch, “but my mother never said anything to me.” She was too young and too naïve to know what their behaviors meant, except that she did not like them. For two and a half years, whenever this man called her over, she went. One day, she was playing with a girlfriend. When the man called her over, she and her girlfriend went. The man took the two girls into his living room. Olivia said
He had us sit down, and he put his hands in my pants. He said to my friend, ‘Come on over. It feels nice.’ My friend ran out the door.
She talked to her friend about the incident.
I said I was sorry. I knew what was going to happen, and it did. I was scared to say anything to her.
Her friend gave her an idea of what to do:
The next time he started it. I cried and told him I didn’t want to do it. He didn’t do it again.
Soon afterward, she and her family moved from the neighborhood. She visited the man and his wife several ties with her mother. When the man died, she told her mother about the sexual abuse. She said
I figured that he had died. He couldn’t go to jail if I told. I wouldn’t make his wife unhappy if I told my mother.
Her mother was shocked. This man had been a father figure to her for ten years. She arranged for professional help for Olivia, for herself, and for the rest of the family.
Many incidents of sexual abuse do not involve physical violence, but some do. For example, some children witness physical abuse of their mothers. When their fathers begin to touch them sexually, they are afraid to resist. Alberta was eleven when he father first sexually abused her. He told her to take her clothes off. She said
I don’t know why I just didn’t leave. The idea didn’t occur to me….My mother tried to stop him. She got between us. What could she do? He just pushed her away and beat her up.
Her father told her that what he was doing to her was “an everyday thing. People do it every day.” He tried to have intercourse with her that first time. She said
I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t t want him to do it. I wanted him to stop. I hated it.
She did not tell him to stop because “I would get hit with a belt. So I did what he said every time.” While he was abusing her, her father told her
I was jealous of my mother. He said I wanted to have sex with him the way my mother did, but I wasn’t jealous of that. I didn’t even think of it.
Adults can be helpful to children who have been sexually abused if they understand that each child’s experience is unique. Adults must, however, be ready for anything. What children say can be surprising and even shocking. The stories in this book can prepare adults to be open and receptive to whatever children have to say.
Perpetrators Have Sole Responsibility
Perpetrators have sole responsibility for child sexual abuse. Typically, they are older, stronger, and can overcome the children’s resistance through their physical strength, authority, and superior knowledge and experience. They may lie, intimidate, and manipulate children.
Some children have been sexualized by being sexually abused. They may attempt to touch the genitals of others or rub their own genitals against other people. Some teens and adults think these children want to be sexual and are happy to be sexual with the children. If children behave this way, it is the adult’s—and teen’s—job to teach the child appropriate sexual behaviors, not take advantage of children. Other children can be taught to back away from peers’ sexualized behaviors.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
On Being a Shit on YouTube
Think you're getting away with something? Think again. There's a new book out that exposes cover-ups. It's called On Being a Shit. You can hear all about it on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SPiGEIO9MA
and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHD6e-zsKwQ&feature=related
Who ever thought there were that many cover-ups? Jane Gilgun identifies at least 30 like humor, blaming others, pretense of innnocence, self-righteousness, digging at someone's secret fears.
As more people read this book and wise up, your time is limited to get away with shit. Do it now before the book becomes a best seller. You can learn about it on YouTube or you can buy the book at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Kindle, lulu (http://www.lulu.com/content/1151441) and hundreds of other on-line booksellers.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHD6e-zsKwQ&feature=related
Who ever thought there were that many cover-ups? Jane Gilgun identifies at least 30 like humor, blaming others, pretense of innnocence, self-righteousness, digging at someone's secret fears.
As more people read this book and wise up, your time is limited to get away with shit. Do it now before the book becomes a best seller. You can learn about it on YouTube or you can buy the book at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Kindle, lulu (http://www.lulu.com/content/1151441) and hundreds of other on-line booksellers.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Read Free or Buy Unkind Deeds and Cover-Ups in Everyday Life
On Being a Shit: Unkind Deeds and Cover-Ups in Everyday Life
go to http://www.lulu.com/content/1151441 to read free or to buy for put-upon friends and relatives. Also on Amazon Kindle, Amazon.com, and other on-line book sellers.
A humorous look at a serious topic!
Read this book and you will dethrone the next person who dumps on you. For those who aspire to be shits, this book is a step-by-step guide.
Readers say:
“There’s nothing ‘girly’ about this book!”
“No one's ever written about this topic before."
“We all live with shits. Heck, I live with one—being one myself.”
“It’s smart, provocative, and I’ll never take that phrase for granted again.”
An excerpt from the book
Cara said to her lover Nick when she found out he had been seeing another woman, “What do you want? A harem?” An impish look appeared on Nick’s face, and he said, “Two women? That’s not much of a harem.” Cara laughed, tickled by the charm that endeared Nick to her. With her laugh, Cara’s tension lifted, and they talked about other things.
Nick had finessed Cara in an elegant, tailor-made way. His involvement with another woman had hurt Cara, and he covered up through humor. He had been with Cara long enough to know that a humorous response would distract her and lift her mood. Cara cooperated. She enabled Nick to be a shit.
JANE GILGUN is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities. She based the theory of being a shit on years of research, professional experience, and personal observations. With Alankaar Sharma, she has published Everything You’ve Wanted to Know About Child Sexual Abuse, or Maybe You Didn’t. This book will be available soon at http://www.lulu.com/content/1823038and other on-line book sellers. She has also written short literary pieces that are available at Amazon.com/shorts.
Clinton-Obama and Who Said What
Effective presidents and charismatic leaders get things done when they work as a team. Dr. Martin Luther King changed the course of American history and President Lyndon B. Johnson put those changes into law. Dr. King was a visionary. President Johnson knew how to get legislation enacted. As a team, these two men shared a belief in human equality. They changed human rights in the United States forever.
What else is there to say?
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
What else is there to say?
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Hillary Rodham Clinton for President
Hillary Rodham Clinton won in New Hampshire, and I hope she wins the Democratic nomination for president. She has the brains and the guts to be a great president. She understands domestic issues and international politics. She can stand up to the bullies of the world. She has had a lot of practice standing up to the bullies in the United States. Even the American public can now see through the smears that unscrupulous people have plastered on her.
Senator Clinton attracts hatred the way any high profile and powerful American woman would. Woman-hating in this country and world-wide is astronomical. It is so common that we fail to notice it and take it for granted. At last, many people in the United States are declaring that what Hillary has endured is unfair. Those who smear her have no decency.
Hillary is taking the heat for all women. She is a symbol and reality that women are competent and can hold their own with men. Many men and women want to keep men on the pedestal of power, privilege, and prestige. Hillary is saying, Whoa. I am a woman. I am a leader. I want to lead the United States back to its roots of freedom and justice for all. No more cover-ups of selfish destructive motives through talking about flags, patriotism, and terrorism.
She signals the challenge to the politics of fear and deceit that has damaged this country and many parts of the world.
John Edwards and Barack Obama would also make good presidents, but the time in now for Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
Senator Clinton attracts hatred the way any high profile and powerful American woman would. Woman-hating in this country and world-wide is astronomical. It is so common that we fail to notice it and take it for granted. At last, many people in the United States are declaring that what Hillary has endured is unfair. Those who smear her have no decency.
Hillary is taking the heat for all women. She is a symbol and reality that women are competent and can hold their own with men. Many men and women want to keep men on the pedestal of power, privilege, and prestige. Hillary is saying, Whoa. I am a woman. I am a leader. I want to lead the United States back to its roots of freedom and justice for all. No more cover-ups of selfish destructive motives through talking about flags, patriotism, and terrorism.
She signals the challenge to the politics of fear and deceit that has damaged this country and many parts of the world.
John Edwards and Barack Obama would also make good presidents, but the time in now for Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Fiona Speaks is a pseudonym of Jane Gilgun who likes to laugh and talk. This blog is a way for me to connect with witty people who like to talk about ideas and how to connect with what's important. To do this, I want to examine and demystify the blocks I see to building connections and community with other people. Join me.
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